


What was your first time like?

by Bandaid1241



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 08:26:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14304753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bandaid1241/pseuds/Bandaid1241
Summary: Usual disclaimer, cos Bioware owns this, and that, and the other. So its nothing to do with me.Also, Jules beta'd for me. If you think this is average or above, its all hers, if its dreadful, then its my fault.A quiet beer or several, and questions which bring out emotions for James which he keeps secret from everyone.





	What was your first time like?

Normandy's’ port observation lounge, or the Hangover Hotel, was set up as a bar..with a real, honest to goodness bar. It had bar stools and a card table, and comfy chairs. In one of which sat Commander Rachel Shepard, she was supposed to be taking some time to relax, to recover from the stresses of combat and diplomacy, especially following the mission to rescue scientists who had defected from Cerberus. It was Commander Shepherds considered opinion, that for a bunch of boffins, they didn’t have an ounce of common sense between them. 

Unlike the other members of Normandy's’ crew, Rachel Shepherd rarely found the time to properly relax. What should have been down time was taken up with the duties of command. She had little choice but to try and relax by reading data pads full of information. Most was useless, like the requests from sad bastards who thought she had nothing better to do than send a signed photo. There were also data pads showing Allied disposition and combat effectiveness in systems not yet overrun by the Reapers. Shepard was not therefore, the happiest bunny in the room. 

At the bar James Vega sat on an uncomfortable bar stool, chatting with Ashley Williams and Privates Campbell and Westmorland.

When Campbell and Westmorland had formally requested to be relieved from guard duty in the War Room and be trained as part of the Ground Team, it took some convincing to get Shepard's agreement. The Commander was unwilling to allow this.

“Because, James, they aren’t combat experienced. They haven’t had any, and I do mean any advanced infantry tactics training. We don't even know if they can shoot straight. They would be going into combat completely green, which makes them a liability. Frankly I haven’t the time, nor the inclination to teach them.”

James, who clearly disagreed with his Commander, argued that

“We need them Lola, they can be trained and they don’t have to deploy on high risk ops. Not until you are completely satisfied. In fact, I can train them and so can Scars and Ashley...well they might do, I mean, you know, if you ask them”

Shepard had reluctantly agreed that more ground troops, even inexperienced ones, would take some of the pressure off her usual team members. Which would allow them to be properly rested for the more intense combat missions. The other positive was that James had been so engaged in training the two marines, that he was regaining confidence in his leadership abilities. That was important. Thus far it worked out OK. With only one of her Alpha team members needing to act as Ground Commander, the others had more down time. The trainees had a chance to find out what ground missions were really like and the Alpha teams had recovered faster and were able to complete their tasks with fewer injuries.

Rachel was half earwigging the chatting at the bar, trying desperately to concentrate on her datapads and failing miserably...it was just too tedious..fucking admin.

“ So,... er..Lieutenant Vega, what was your first time like?”

James had pretty much zoned out from the chatter and was now in his own little world. His arms folded onto the bar and his chin resting on his hands, he was concentrating on the bottle stood in front of him and on the bead of condensation dribbling its way down it, waiting for that moment when his resistance broke.

“Lieutenant?”

Again the questioning voice,

“James...Hey, VEGA!..”

Ashley’s voice was almost parade ground, just loud enough to break through Vegas fixation on that small bead of cold temptation.

“Huhm, what?”

With a confused and slightly embarrassed expression in his face, James realised that someone had been speaking to him and looked up.

 

“ Private Campbell asked you a question L.T.”  
Ashley Williams looked at James with a smile on her face, she knew precisely what James was doing, she had done the same thing many times, it was a sort of ritual that she, James and Shepherd shared after a long or hard Op., a test to see if they could prolong pleasure of that first beer.

“ Sorry, what did you say? “

"I wanted to know what your first time was like, your first experience.”

Sarah Campbell looked at Vega with sultry eyes. Which was really dumb, ‘cos everyone knew that she and Westie were a committed couple.

“ Errrr….ummm….my first time?”

James was blushing now, feeling the warmth of blood flushing up his neck was...embarrassing; surely the woman didn't mean his first time.having..not, ..that first time..James wasn't going to tell of that not to anyone. Not even Lola.

“I think Campbell want to know what your first time in combat was like Jimmy.”

Shepard decided to help him out. She grinned to herself, her man was such a cute, adorable and so easily embarrassed guy, a gentle caring soul inside that giant muscular body, and the facade he had built of a hard and impenetrable warrior.

“Oh, right.yeah.”

James took the bottle of beer and emptied it in one long pull, immediately reaching for the chaser, the tequila. After he had poured three shots worth into one glass, he swallowed it down in one gulp and looked back at Campbell.

“ My first time was... it was..”

James raised his head and stared intently at Private Sarah Campbell, a look so serious, so focused that Campbell shuddered at a sudden chill which gripped her heart.

“...Look; Campbell, I don't care what you read in books, what you see in videos or what you watch on news programmes. A soldier ain't some gung ho unthinking sociopath. A killing machine that gets a pay cheque every month. Combat isn't a Role Playing Game where you get hurt and then have a do over. Killing people, you know what? it don't matter what species or what race, killing people isn't easy, never was, never will be..my first time was.”

James paused and took another drink, he didn’t bother with a glass but simply glugged the tequila straight from the bottle.

” My first time…was...it was all….Fear: Smell: Noise: Hope and Faith.”

James paused between each word, not for effect, but in an effort to choose the right words. The reflective, quiet intense way James was speaking, had caught the attention of everyone in the room.

James was normally loud, brash and funny, he was the bastion of optimism, the foundation of confidence and hope that Normandy's whole crew had come to rely on, come to need and this, this was so different from normal. Shepard looked across the room at the man she loved and she listened carefully as it dawned on her that even she hadn’t been privy to the deeper issues in James mind.

“ I remember being terrified, I mean, truly fucking terrified. Paralysing gut wrenching heart stopping scared shitless. It's not a natural thing, to go forward toward people who are trying to kill you before you can kill them. I remember being so fucking scared I pissed myself in the first couple of minutes after contact, I remember trying to find cover from fire, trying not to get hit, trying not to.”

Vega paused, and cast his eyes down and saw his hands were shaking visibly, drumming gently on the bar, he reached forward and made a try to grab the bottle, it took him a couple more tries before he could control his fingers enough to take another couple of mouthfuls of courage. The burn of the tequila in his mouth calmed him enough to continue.

“I remember trying not to run away. It's not the fear of being killed, well yeah, Okay, thats there, but it’s more fear of the pain from wounds, the fear of being crippled or maimed. Yeah, yeah, that's what it is. Even today with armour and medi-gel and all that good stuff we got it's not a fun day out. That shit hurts like hell. Shepard will tell you, and she’s got most experience with that.”

James looked up, the brief humourless smile which touched his lips but didn't reach his eyes worried his Lola, and then he dived back into the bottle again. This wasn't how he wanted to spend a quiet evening, James didn't want to remember this, he didn’t want the dreams tonight, and now his quiet beer or several plan was shot to shit.

“ Its fucking noisy too you know? The usual noises like people yelling. Gunshots are loud, really fucking loud, then you got the explosions from grenades or artillery fire and the quiet noises,like when rounds hit flesh, those are really lovely. They sound like a kid sucking on a slushy. Explosives hitting people who are already dead or dying... screaming too...screams of people in agony, screams for help, screaming wounded soldiers, guys who are your friends you know, people you lived and trained with for months or years.” 

Another pause as James took a breath, taking a moment to calm his thoughts enough make sentences. He chuckled mirthlessly to himself..if he ever wrote this shit down, he would need one hell of an editor just so it made sense. Either that or they would send him back to the idiot Doctor who kept asking him how those thoughts made him feel...idiota.

Taking a breath, Vega dragged his thoughts under some semblance of control and continued.

“All that noise starts to hurt your ears, it gets under your skin and wears away at you like a cancer. It strips away your ability to fight, it makes you just freeze up ‘cos its trying to overwhelm you, and while there's the noise and your fear, there's the stink of it all too; different ammo types, all the grenades and other shit, mortars, artillery and then, and then there's the smell of blood. “

James sat up straight, his eyes open but he saw nothing of the room, nor its occupants. Ashley had seen that look on soldiers faces before, the thousand yard stare; the look of someone remembering. Soldiers trying to push that shit down into the back alleys of the mind. Ashley and Shepard both knew the look, both knew they wore that expression on their own faces often enough. Commander Rachel Shepard saw her man living those memories all over again.

She knew at that exact moment, that precise second that her James hid those thoughts from her pretty much every day. He hid his memories, hid his fears and Commander Rachel Shepherd, Lola, felt the anger start in her. She and James had promised there would be no secrets from each other, but as swiftly as it had risen, her anger abated, and her concern for her beloved took over. She knew he kept these emotions quiet, hidden away because he thought, he decided that her need for comfort, her need for support was greater than his, she felt tears began to form in her eyes. Her man was suffering simply because he loved her so much. James’ voice made her listen again, it was harder to hear now, even quieter.

“….Did you know you can smell fear Campbell? You can you know and it stinks, you can almost taste it if you are near enough, … oh, and the smell of wounds? The worst stink is from gut wounds, ripping through armour and into the innards of someone. Those can slice open the belly and let the guts and intestines out, and the smell of shit ...not good to smell, or to see. Worst is when its kids...never do you forget the kids, like a little girl called Apri.”

James paused, almost choking with the emotion brought on by the thoughts of her.

“ A little girl whose broken mutilated body is being held in the arms of one of your team, seeing your mate weeping for the tragedy of it, then seeing him being shot by one of the enemy. All this reminds you of your own fear. Plus the stink of puke, man, I puked my guts so many times, and then whole fucking issue starts all over again.”

James’ voice was filled with anguish, and despair, he was afraid to close his eyes. He knew if he did, he would see everything in his mind’s eye. Everything in perfect detail and in glorious technicolour and Por Dios, he didn't want that. Not again. Not now. Not ever. 

Nobody in the crew, and certainly none of those in the room had ever heard James Vega speak like this. Never,ever had he opened up like this and made himself so vulnerable. Shepard sat listening with her heart breaking for her man. She realised that today was the second anniversary of Fehl Prime.That time and place where James Vega had made the hardest decision that can be made, and the one that he thought brought him most shame, his decision choosing information over life.

Oh Dear God.

Shepards' eyes opened wide in realisation.This wasn't about his first time, it was about his worst time…the very worst time for him of so many times.

“ See Sarah." James continued "Then comes faith, and hope all at once. Hope that you will survive, hope that your friends, your teammates and those who you command will survive, because you are responsible for them all. Hope that your faith will be enough. Not faith in a God, no not that kind of faith, but faith that your training will be good enough, faith that your kit is good enough. Faith that you will remember enough. Hope and faith that the people either side of you will do their jobs and keep you safe as you hope that you will do the same for them. All the time the fear comes back. So now you’re scared you won't be good enough, scared you will fail. Scared shitless that the one.”

James glanced at Shepherd, then quickly looked down, embarrassed by his fears being made known.

“ The ones you care about more than anybody else will ....well you scared you can’t keep them safe. ”

With those last few words from Vega, Rachel Shepard knew absolutely that this was about more than James' first time in combat. 

Campbell, Westmorland ...everyone in the room was listening. Some were thinking of their own demons.

Ashley Williams remembering the 212th on Eden Prime.

Rachel Shepard battling the emotions of Akuze and the sadness that her beloved, her James who was her constant support was reliving his worst memory. She knew then too, that James felt like this every time they went into combat. More so when she took others on the ground team with her. She knew that every time he had kept it from her, hidden it away from her, protecting her from his demons, just so he could be there for her, so she could exorcise her own.

Rachel stood up, and walked over to James, gently she touched his shoulder and felt his hand seek hers; his fingers trembling when he wrapped her hand in his, seeking comfort and refuge from the terrors in his mind. She watched his trembling hand reach for the bottle to take another dose of liquid courage.

“ Sarah? Main thing is…..the first time? It's the easiest time. “

Sarah Campbell was wide eyed at his words, then James dropped his final bombshell.

“ Every time after that first time is worse. The first time you don't know what it’s going to be like...but every time after, you know what to expect and those feelings, they don't stop, or get less. They get more and that haunts you, so much. When those feelings.”

James paused mid sentence and looked up and around the room. He looked at each face in turn, then said.

“ If..when, these thoughts hit you, if you wanna talk, I know what it’s like. I can be there for you.”

Shepard gripped James’ hand harder, the sudden pain in his fingers stopping him from continuing After a few seconds she spoke.

“ Okay everyone, we’re done tonight, Bars closed.”

Rachel lowered her head until her mouth was at the side of James’ face, her lips touching his cheek like the wings of a butterfly, whispering to the person who loved her without condition, and so completely.

“ It's my turn now James, time for you to lean on me.”

**Author's Note:**

> I read somewhere once, that a new writer should start with stuff which is familiar, subjects which the writer knows..so I did... but not sucessfully methinks. The thoughts and experience I gave Vega are, from my point of view, accurate enough, over the years most I have spoken to would agree, I think..however, try as I might, I cannot, I confess, paint the picture, not even painting by numbers it would appear.
> 
>  
> 
> This is very important to me. There's a very lovely person, who is generous of heart and patience, who has helped and guided me through this, from the simplest stuff, like how to share my story so she can edit and do stuff to it. None of this would have been on public view if not for her. Her edit, suggestions and her encouragement got me to this point. Thank you is inadequate, but, unfortunately, its all I have to offer. So , Jules Hawke, thank you.


End file.
